To Be False
by SerenityCelest
Summary: Why do you still look at me with pride?


To Be False

By Serenity Pendragon

I am not what you think I am. You think I am strong, but there is weakness in my flesh. You say I am brave, but the icy bite of fear lurks deep in my heart. You believe me to be good, but there are times I wished I was not.

I bear a sacred Kanji on my brow, yet I do not deserve it. The others are the personification of their virtues, but I am just a false shadow of mine. What is the true meaning of my virtue? Is it not blind? How can I embody that which I do not understand? How can I call myself a warrior?

My physical body is strong, yes, but that is where it ends. My spirit is weak, and my will is easily fooled. Do you still admire me? Am I still some godlike hero to you? Yes. Why?

Why did the armor choose me if I was not worthy? I do not know, we still do not know the true nature of the armors. Maybe they are evil? It could be possible that my armor sensed the darkness in me. Then why are the others not affected, you ask? They are stronger than I, in both mind and spirit, the purity of their virtues burn away what little darkness they might have in their souls.

What if the armors truly are good? If the armors are good perhaps mine was trying to help me. Perhaps it thought I would improve, grow stronger under its influence. Have I? No, I have not; instead I feel my strength leave me after every battle. It grows harder to lift my weapon with each new foe we face. I find myself reaching for strength I no longer have. New fears eat away at my insides, and cause me to wake in silent screams in the night. Thoughts enter my head that weren't there before. Thoughts of destruction, thoughts of dominance. This armor is powerful and mine to control. Why should I not use it to rule? I could you know, I could conquer the world and have its people bow at my feet. But then I would be just like Tulpa, and I hate Tulpa. This armor has not improved me at all.

I must have gained something from the armor, you say? Nightmares. Horrible dreams of my failure in battle, the death of my friends and the destruction of mankind. All of it my fault, my crime to bear. All because I am flawed. My virtue is false, and I am a false Samurai.

Why do I continue then? Because I have no choice. If I stop, then I will have nothing to protect me from the dark shadows that come for me when I am alone. If I no longer fight, then why am I here? What is my purpose? How do I know that the others will be able to continue fighting without me. Pride? No, I have none. In the past it was always with the five of us working together that we defeated our foe. We need each other… No, they do not need one such as me, only the power of my armor is needed, but I need them. I've always needed them, this task I've been given is too much for me to bear alone.

I do not know why I was given this curse! Yes curse! For it asks things of me I cannot give. I have given it everything I can and still it is not enough. Even though the battle is done, I must continue to fight. Even though I have not worn the armor in such a long time, it still takes everything from me and demands more. What more does it want! What else can I give you! All I have left is my humanity, and even that is slipping away from me. Why! WHY?

I am tired, but I cannot sleep. I am weak, but I cannot grow stronger. There is so much I need to do, but I have not the ability to do it. Is there anyone out there who will help me! I cannot last much longer.

My friends? They will not understand. They are all so strong. Every last one of them in touch with their virtue, awash in the warm glow of a confidence born of purity. A purity I do not posses. Sometimes, sometimes it hurts to look at them. They are so bright, so happy, so true. While everything about me is false, even the air of cheerfulness I weave about my soul reeks of falseness.

Why are you still here? Do I not disgust you? Why do you still look at me with eyes full of adoration? Do you not understand how tainted I am? Do not put your arms around me like that, I am not worthy. Why do you cry for me? Your tears are too pure and good for one the likes of me. My head is on your shoulder, how did it get there?

I will not cry. I cannot cry. Tears will not wash away the blackness of my soul, the weakness of my spirit. Though I long to succumb to the weakness of tears I cannot, for I will never be able to fight the tears again. My eyes burn, though not as much as my heart. My head aches from the constant battle within myself, so why now does the pain seem to diminish? I feel better.

It is morning. You have been here all night. I will be alright, you should go. I will continue as I always have. Mia, why do you still look at me with kindness and friendship? Do you not know what that does to me? I do not deserve it. I am a protector, who cannot even protect himself. I am a warrior of strength, with nothing but weakness. Why do you still look at me with pride?

End Note

Alright this is a re-write. It's still terrible and I hate it, but it's better then what used to be up. I'm still going to re-write and improve upon this story when I have more time. Like I said before, this story just shot out of my head and onto the screen and I didn't really give much thought to prose or style. This is way below my normal standards and I'm somewhat ashamed.

There are some pretty obvious clues as to which Ronin this is. Don't make me beat you over the head with it.

**Review Response**

Stormyrose: Nope not either one of them

Soup: Yep you are correct.

Soon to be world renown Gracie: Right on the first try. Glad you liked it even if I didn't.

catgirl Serenity : Your second guess would be the right one. If you'll remember all the Nine armors come with virtues. Ryo's kanji just encompasses all of them. And Mia was a pillar of strength for everyone not just Ryo.

Zorra: You review was probably the most wonderful one I have ever received. Words cannot express how eternally grateful I am to you. You actually told me _What _about my story you liked and how I could improve it. Now I realize not everyone has time to do what you did for every story they read, but if more people did that even just once in a while. I certainly would feel inspired to write more often.

Silver-Kalan: Thanks for your kind words, I feel better now. Hugs and glomps


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